I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I just found a bag of teeth...
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
