My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Randomize
