i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
