Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
There was a lot of him and a little penis
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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