it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
