She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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