Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Randomize
