WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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