why do cheetos always look like penises
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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