Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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