I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I haven't been this sober since birth.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Randomize
