My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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