I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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