Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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