Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
