Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
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I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
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Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
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