Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
