I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
