Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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