Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Randomize
