I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
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