this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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