That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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