Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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