dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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