Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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