I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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