Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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