I wish you could order shots online.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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