I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
