wakey wakey hands off snakey
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
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