hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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