my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
