i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
