Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Randomize