TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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