someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
