It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
