I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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