Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
there was a trapeze. enough said
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Randomize
