He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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