i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize
