Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Michael Bay diarrhea
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
the night ended with taco bell and tears
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
