Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
25 People Didn’t Realize They Were Talking To Someone Famous
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.