And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
