If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
