My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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