he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
