i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Two words: nipple clamps
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