Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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