it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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