Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
