Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
