When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
