You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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