You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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