dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
she looked like the before picture.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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