When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
