Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
