he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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